How To Use Twitter – Tongue In Cheek Tips And Tricks

How Not to use TwitterEleven comical tips on how not to use Twitter.

Twitter is the strange animal in the world of social media, so here are a few not so helpful, tongue in cheek Twitter tips and tricks for those new to Twitter.

Twitter operates on such an undefined set of rules that are so vague; it is even unclear if Twitter itself is sure as to how it all works.

The best I’ve been able to calculate is that there are no rules at all until you actually break one, then you get kicked out and suspended.

I know it sounds silly but that’s anarchy at work for you. Anyway, Twitter is a forum so full of clutter and textural pollution that it’s a wonder really, why anyone bothers with it at all, yet millions do.

I suppose it’s the challenge of discovering how much garbage you can actually fit into 140 characters that is the absolute charm of Twitter.

So the first thing to do on Twitter is to make sure you are keeping up with all the popular trends and incorporating the correct and acceptable types of rubbish that have made Twitter the remarkable success it is today. A stunning result and a true cross section of human existence in all its weird and whacky forms.

So let’s get started with eleven seriously unhelpful heavy-duty Twitter tips and tricks, and on how and what to include in your Tweets to make sure you get noticed in the Twitter Timeline swamp.

11 Top Useless Twitter Tips

1. Always include some erroneous and incomprehensible hashtags in your post.

Don’t worry overly about content. Just hash, hash, hashtag away. #iamanidiot #whoaskedyou #whatdayisit  #cuonmars are good examples of some clever #hashtags you can use.

2. Always, and I repeat always add a link to something really, really stupid.

If you’re the enterprising kind, try attaching a stupid photo of your dog. I know it sounds silly, but well everyone else is doing it so you may as well tag along and get some inattention.

3. Make sure you have something to sell.

If you don’t, please go and play on Facebook or Google+ until you can come up with an idea for some wild scam to tempt and rip off new and unsuspecting Twitter users. Do you think Twitter is a Social media kindergarten?

4. Don’t tweet if you are not famous.

If you are not an aspiring author, life coach, undiscovered actress, lunatic astrologer, high priced escort, soon to be a famous movie director or in real estate, please go away. Twitter is only for the selected elite. Do you think it was designed to accept common social riff-raff such as plumbers, heart surgeons and actuaries?

5. You must learn how to spam.

I know it takes time and a bit of technical know how but if you can’t spam, you will really find it difficult to fit in. Try following a few quality spammers at first and once you experience their annoying skills in action, I’m sure it will help you on your way. Then blast your timeline with highly frequent and uninformative spam. If you’re really clever, you can automate it all and guarantee you’ll be losing followers at a record-breaking rate in no time at all.

6. Set up an automated welcome Direct Message to greet your new followers.

Say something like, ‘I’m a complete idiot and have sent this to annoy the crap out of you. Oh and BUY MY BOOK.’ You’ll have your precious new followers lurching for the ‘block’ button in seconds. What success!

7. Follow all the celebrities.

Don’t miss one. You never know, one of them may follow you back – in your dreams.

8. Sell, sell, sell, market, market, market, flog, flog, flog your stuff.

No one will buy anything of course, but at least you’ll think you’re doing something productive.

9. Buy 50,000 Twitter followers for $100.

They’ll all be useless bots and won’t help get your message out at all, but hey, who cares? You’ll have a big number to boast about. Well, while they last. Bots are funny little things. They can just, well, disappear overnight. Easy come easy go.

10. Oh, and if you are an author, you really must Tweet ‘Buy my book’ at least hourly.

Why not automate it for every thirty minutes and really send your reputation down the tube much faster.

11. Lastly. Please, oh please, do not write anything coherent in your posts.

The Twitteratti will immediately spot you as a Facebook drop in.

By the way, if you think this post about Twitter tips and tricks is absolute twaddle, please think about posting it on Twitter and retweeting it hourly for the next week. We all really love this kind of rubbish on Twitter.

For a serious look at Twitter, this article, How To Use Twitter – A Quick Tips Guide For Authors, has some sensible advice for authors on how to use Twitter effectively.

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Derek Haines

Derek Haines is an Australian author, living in Switzerland.

One thought on “How To Use Twitter – Tongue In Cheek Tips And Tricks

  • You nailed it. ps do you want to buy my book?


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