How To Use Twitter – 11 Tongue In Cheek Tips And Tricks

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How Not to use TwitterEleven comical tips on how not to use Twitter.

Twitter is a strange animal in the world of social media. So here are a few not so helpful, tongue in cheek Twitter tips and tricks for those who are new to Twitter.

Twitter operates on such an undefined set of rules that are so vague; it is even unclear if Twitter itself is sure as to how it all works.

The best I’ve been able to calculate is that there are no rules at all until you actually break one, then you get kicked out and suspended.

I know it sounds silly, but that’s anarchy at work for you. Anyway, Twitter is a forum so full of clutter and textural pollution that it’s a wonder really, why anyone bothers with it at all, yet millions do.

I suppose it’s the challenge of discovering how much garbage you can actually fit into 140 characters. But now that it is 280 characters, well, it’s still not many, so it retains the charm of Twitter. Short, concise, and mostly rubbish.

Anyway, the first thing to do on Twitter is to make sure you are keeping up with all the popular trending topics. Then incorporating the correct and acceptable types of rubbish into your Tweets. Inane rubbish has made Twitter the remarkable success it is today.

A stunning result and the people on Twitter are a true cross-section of human existence in all its weird and whacky forms.

So let’s get started with eleven seriously unhelpful heavy-duty Twitter tips and tricks, and on how and what to include in your Tweets to make sure you get noticed in the real-time Twitter timeline swamp.

The 11 Top Useless Twitter Tips

 

1. Always include some erroneous and incomprehensible hashtags in your post.

Don’t worry overly about content. Just hash, hash, hashtag away. #iamanidiot #whoaskedyou #whatdayisit  #cuonmars are good examples of some clever #hashtags that you can use, to induce people to follow you, but probably won’t.

 

2. Always, and I repeat always add a link to something really, really stupid.

If you’re the enterprising kind, try attaching a stupid photo of your dog. I know it sounds silly, but well everyone else is doing it so you may as well tag along and get some inattention. Why not as a link to your website homepage – that is still under construction?

 

3. Make sure you have something to sell.

If you don’t have something to flog, please go and play on Facebook or LinkedIn until you can come up with an idea for some wild scam to tempt and rip off new and unsuspecting Twitter users. Do you think Twitter is a Social networking kindergarten?

 

4. Don’t tweet if you are not famous.

If you are not an aspiring author, life coach, undiscovered actress, lunatic astrologer, high priced escort, soon to be a famous movie director or in real estate, please go away. A Twitter account is only for the selected elite.

Do you think it was designed to accept common social riff-raff such as plumbers, school teachers, heart surgeons, motor mechanics, carpenters and actuaries?

No! It’s for stars, celebrities and well, mostly pretenders. The best way to pretend is to change your Twitter username to something that relates to your pretend status. Why not pop Elvis into it?

 

5. You must learn how to spam.

I know it takes time and a bit of technical know-how to find out how Twitter works. But if you can’t spam, you will truly find it difficult to fit in.

Click follow on a few quality spammer accounts at first, and once you experience their annoying skills in action, I’m sure it will help you on your way. Your email account will soon fill with streams of junk mail from them, but well, that’s life, huh?

Then blast your timeline with highly frequent and uninformative spam. If you’re very bright, you can automate it all and guarantee you’ll be losing followers in one twitter click at a record-breaking rate in no time at all.

 

6. When you find people, set up an automated welcome Direct Message to greet your new followers.

Say something like, ‘I’m a complete idiot and have sent this to annoy the crap out of you. Oh and BUY MY BOOK.’ You’ll have your precious new followers lurching for the ‘block this user’ button in seconds. What success!

 

7. Follow all the celebrities.

Any time you see one, follow! Don’t miss one. You never know, one of them may follow you back – in your dreams.

 

8. Sell, sell, sell, market, market, market, flog, flog, flog your stuff.

No one will buy anything from you of course, but at least you’ll think you’re doing something productive with your Twitter page.

 

9. Buy 50,000 Twitter followers for $100.

They’ll all be useless bots with no profile picture and won’t help get your message out at all, but hey, who cares? You’ll have a big number to boast about. Well, while they last. Bots are funny little things, however. They can just, well, disappear overnight. Easy come easy go.

 

10. Oh, and if you are an author, you really must Tweet ‘Buy my book’ at least hourly.

Why not automate your book buy message and set it to post every thirty minutes, and really send your Twitter reputation down the tube much faster. No one will click follow, but a lot will notice you – and click unfollow.

 

11. Lastly. Please, oh please, do not write anything coherent in your posts.

If you insist on writing coherently, experienced Twitter users will recognise you immediately as a Facebook or Tumblr drop in. Practice being incoherent. It will become a habit, eventually.

By the way, if you think these eleven how to Twitter tips and tricks are absolute twaddle, please think about hitting the Tweet button at the top of the page to share it with your Twitter followers.

Then, retweet it hourly for the next week. We all really love this kind of repetitive rubbish on Twitter.

 

For a serious look at Twitter, this article, How To Use Twitter – A Quick Tips Guide For Authors, has some sensible advice for authors with tips to use Twitter effectively.

 

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Derek Haines

Derek Haines is an Australian author, living in Switzerland.

One thought on “How To Use Twitter – 11 Tongue In Cheek Tips And Tricks

  • October 25, 2017 at 7:46 pm
    Permalink

    You nailed it. ps do you want to buy my book?

    Reply

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