How To Make Your Book A Bestseller – A Tongue In Cheek Tutorial

Make Your Book A Bestseller

How to make your book a bestseller.

Every author wants their book to rise above the slush pile, the mid-list, and into the top ten of bestsellers. Why even settle for the top ten. Why not go straight for the number one bestseller?

However, it is quite surprising how few know how to achieve this simple feat.

Really, it’s child’s play if you follow the following useful five tips to make your book, no matter how good or long it is, a number one bestseller.

First, make sure you’ve actually written a book.


It’s amazing how many potential bestselling authors miss this first hurdle.


Step 1.

Too simple for some, but rule 101 in creating a bestseller is buying your own book.

Go crazy and blow your credit card limit here, as a faint heart never won fair lady.

Make sure your book is super cheap, then buy, buy, buy all day and night long.


Step 2.

Steal your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, or in fact, anyone’s credit card and implement tip one and over and over again.

I assure you it will make a difference to your bestseller ranking.

Your marriage, relationship, and criminal record? Well, you really, really want to be a bestselling author, don’t you?


Step 3.

Tell everyone in your family that you have a terminal illness, and your last wish is to be a bestselling author before you draw your last breath.

Tip. Make sure you look a little bit poorly, though, as you just can’t trust family to follow through on promises.


Step 4.

Open a Twitter account and get lots and lots of followers. When you have a goodly number, say 5,000, promise to pay $20 to everyone who buys your book.

Now the really important bit.

When about 1,000 of your Twitter followers have bought your book, leave town and change your name.

Don’t forget to give your kids a forwarding address.


Step 5.

This last tip is a gem and only for those who really, really, really want to become a bestselling author. Are you ready for this?

It’s not for the faint of heart. Ready? Sure?

Ok, here is the last tip. Write a sensationally good book and forget about all the tips above.

There we go. Easy huh?


Update: Because you do, in fact, need to write a book first, we have added a new article, How To Write A Book. It contains 10 similar useless pearls of wisdom to brighten your coffee break.


For a more serious approach to marketing your books successfully, I would suggest reading our article on the best ways to promote your book.

Derek Haines

A Cambridge CELTA English teacher and author with a passion for writing and all forms of publishing. My days are spent writing and blogging, as well as testing and taming new technology.

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6 thoughts on “How To Make Your Book A Bestseller – A Tongue In Cheek Tutorial

  • Avatar for Dayle Duncan
    December 11, 2020 at 1:41 pm

    You had me at Step 1. Classic, I love it!! Skipping town was the best.

  • Avatar for Wanda Fischer
    May 1, 2018 at 2:43 am

    You didn’t have anything in this about bribing someone to become your agent. That’s about all this is missing!

  • Avatar for Carrie Garvin
    April 26, 2018 at 11:19 am

    I am cracking up! Perhaps, a bit of half- truths in there?

  • Avatar for KEMIGBO
    December 27, 2017 at 12:14 pm

    I HAVE #6: Slip and fall while visiting your publisher. Make sure you break something then, settle out of court for the bestseller list.

  • Avatar for KEMIGBO
    December 27, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    I can’t stop laughing. You are crazy but that’s dope. I like the part about stealing the wife’s credit card and leaving town “before sundown!!!’

  • Avatar for Janet Butler Male
    December 18, 2017 at 11:39 pm

    That was FUNNY!

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